Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
