me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
