FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize