Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Randomize
