So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
