I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
