So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
