his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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