btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Sext me about skeletons
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
