i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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