What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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