I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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