I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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