I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Sorry my hands just texted you
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
