So drunk its hurt
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
