just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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