I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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