They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
the day after is always just damage control
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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