What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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