your parents love me but you hate me
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Found the puke drawer
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
