He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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