Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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