you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
