there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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