I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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