Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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