I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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