At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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