Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
