My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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