He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
