I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
