just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
