come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
