thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
