God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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