As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
