The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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