I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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