You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
