Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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