im drinking this country out of the recession.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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