I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
It's official drugs can't kill me
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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