there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
