the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
