Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
