you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
the raccoons are back...
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
