PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
