Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize