o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize