I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
