i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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