mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
