WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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