This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia