Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
